


Pizza and Hamlet

by FancyFree2813



Category: due South
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:14:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26799406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FancyFree2813/pseuds/FancyFree2813
Summary: All is not as it seems when Fraser and Kowalski return from the searching for the hand of Franklin reaching for the Beaufort Sea. A tragic story with a whopper of an ending.
Relationships: Ray Vecchio/Other
Comments: 3





	Pizza and Hamlet

Part 1: 'It is an honest ghost'  


Fingertips lightly brushed her cheek, but she did not awaken. Those fingertips where followed by lips lightly caressing her brow. She stirred, smiled in her sleep, and murmured, "Ray."

"Claire?" he whispered.

She opened her eyes slightly and her smile deepened. "Ray."

He kissed her again and whispered, "don't be afraid."

She looked up into his eyes for a moment before she was suddenly fully awake. She pulled as far away from him as she could. A strangled "Oh, my god!" escaped her lips.  


"Shh, it's okay. Don't be afraid," he whispered.

As she struggled to sit up her terrified eyes never left his face. But her eyes and her breathing calmed slightly as she tried to convince herself that this was only a dream, just another dream. Calm down, she told herself. And then aloud both to herself and the apparition sitting next to her, "this is only a dream."

Ray tried to touch her cheek again, but this time she pulled away. "Please don't be afraid of me, Claire," he whispered. "I couldn't bear it if I thought you were afraid of me."

Claire had to believe she was dreaming. If this was not a dream, then she must be losing her mind. She thought she had gotten past that, the feeling that she was losing her grip on reality.  


Her face told him he had to convince her he was really here, well not really here, but also not a dream. He raised his voice slightly above the whisper. "Claire, this is not a dream, but you're not crazy. I have been given the opportunity to come back to help you stop what is about to happen."

"Ray? This isn't a dream? You are sitting here next to me? But that would mean that you're--" she gasped.

"A ghost, Claire. I guess you'd call me a ghost." He took her hand in his and pleaded with her, "Please, don't be afraid of me. I don't have much time. I need for you to listen to me."

"Ray," she began to cry, "I can feel you. Your hands are so warm. It's finally happened, I have lost my mind." The look of fear was slowly replaced by one of tenderness, and love, "But I don't care Ray. If I can be with you I don't care if I am crazy. I love you so much."

"And I love you, now more than ever. You never really know how much you love someone until you realize you might not ever be able to tell them again." She allowed him to wipe away her tears. "Maybe that's why I am here, I don't know. But you're not losing your mind, this is reality. I need you to be strong. I, we, need you to help Kowalski." He watched all the conflicting emotions pass through her eyes. Shock settled there.

"What? He--"

"No, Claire, you're wrong. Kowalski didn't do it, he's not guilty."

6 months earlier:

Ray Vecchio met Claire Daniels upon his return to Chicago. His semi-retirement to Florida with Stella had lasted only 3 months, before the glow had worn off and they realized that they really didn't like each other all that much. So, Ray left Stella in Miami and came back to Chicago, to his family and his friends. Well, all but one friend, his best one, actually. Benny was still mushing around the armpit of the frozen north with Stanley.

He had seen Claire the first time he returned to the 27th Precinct. Everyone was glad to see him, but preoccupied. They were being inspected and IA had sent an internal investigator. The full meal deal as Lieutenant Welsh had said. Everything from mileage on the detective's personal vehicles used on the job to drive to crime scenes, internal reports and personal notebooks. They were reviewing expense reports, travel vouchers and even meal receipts. And Claire Daniels' firm was conducting the whole thing.

He was attracted to her from the first time he laid eyes on her. But, if his experience with Stella had taught him anything, it was that his first impressions could not be trusted. So, he went about his business visiting with his old friends and left the squad room without so much as saying hello to her.

Claire had also noticed Ray. She had always liked a man who knew how to dress. And this guy certainly had very interesting taste in clothes! She had nonchalantly asked one of the civilian aides who the guy dressed in Armani was, and was told that he was Ray Vecchio, a kind of Department legend. The aide was new to the Precinct but had heard that Ray had worked with a Mountie, gone undercover with the Mob, and was almost single handedly responsible for bringing down an entire crime family. Claire made a mental note to find out more about the legend, as soon as she could.

He saw her again a few days later. He was going nuts not working but had decided police work was the only thing that he had ever really wanted to do. His latest and, as he called it, greatest injury kept him from returning to active duty, and his pension allowed him some financial security, so he had decided to try his hand at the next best thing. He had come to the Precinct to apply for a license as a private investigator.

He was at the front desk when she walked in. When he saw her he couldn't help but smile. She looked totally professional, dressed in a dark gray business suit carrying a briefcase, calculator, and a couple of books. But even with severe glasses and a blouse buttoned up to her throat, she looked sexy, sexy and soft. Ray had to clear his throat.

"Hello, Mr. Vecchio." Her voice sounded just like she looked.

"I'm . . . ah . . . sorry. Have we met? No of course we haven't met, I'm sure I would have . . . ah . . . remembered." Well, hell, this wasn't like him at all! His smile broadened as he thought of Benny. Benny had always lost the ability to complete a sentence when any woman under the age of 60 smiled at him. Ray was very surprised that he was now having the same reaction, and sorry he had ever teased Fraser about it. Suddenly it seemed the most appropriate response in the world. He shoved his hand at her. "I . . . I am," well this is just stupid "I'm Ray Vecchio."

Claire took his hand and held it as she laughed under her breath. She found his distress very endearing. "I know who you are Mr. Vecchio, I'm Claire Daniels. I've heard a lot about you and wanted to meet you. I'm told you are something of a local legend."

Ray smiled as he held her hand and stared into her eyes for longer than was entirely appropriate, but he couldn't seem to tear his gaze away. He had never seen eyes as beautiful as hers, a shade of green he couldn't think of a word to describe. Actually he was having trouble thinking of any words.

Claire gently, albeit reluctantly, forced Ray to release her hand. As she did so one of the books she was carrying slid off the calculator and on to the floor. As Ray bent to pick it up for her he frowned. "Shakespearean Tragedies? Little heavy for leisure reading isn't it?"

"That would be for me, I presume?" Lieutenant Welsh had come up behind Ray and snatched the book out of Ray's hand. "You can dispense with that look Vecchio. I've got tickets for 'Hamlet' and Claire was kind enough to loan me a copy of the play so I could reread it."

Ray laughed under his breath, remembering a time that Fraser had quoted 'Hamlet' to him. Fraser had thought that Ray would not recognize the quote. Ray had surprised him, however. He knew 'Hamlet'; he'd seen the movie.

"Ray, did I miss some inside joke?" She thought his laughter was as endearing as his distress.

"No, sorry, you just reminded me of something." Ray was even more embarrassed when he realized she was studying him.

"I hope it was something pleasant and judging from your smile it must have been." She smiled back at him. His smile, his laughter, his distress; Claire found everything about Ray Vecchio endearing.  


Ray thought her smile was like everything else about her, soft and very sexy. He mentally shook himself. If he didn't stop this he'd have to take a cold shower, very soon.

None of them spoke for several moments. Vecchio was speechless, and Welsh was getting a real kick out of it! He'd have to remember this one. 

Claire was shaken out of her reverie when Welsh finally cleared his throat. "Well, I'm very pleased to have met you Ray, but I'd better be on my way. I have a meeting to finalize our internal review findings," nodding at the Lieutenant, "and," looking at her watch, "I seem to be on the verge of being late."

Ray panicked. He couldn't let her go, he might not ever see-- "Wait, ah, Claire?" She smiled at him over her shoulder. "Would ya like to have dinner with me sometime?" he held his breath waiting for her to respond.

She frowned ever so slightly. Claire had made it a rule to never date anyone that she met in a professional capacity, but right now she could not remember why she had ever made such a stupid rule. "I'd like that. When?" she smiled at him again.

"Tonight?"

"I've got a pizza party for my nephew's birthday tonight that I can't get out of. Tomorrow?" Ray nodded. "I should be done here around 5:00. Pick me up?"

As he watched her walk away Ray tried to remember the closest place where he could take a cold shower.

As Ray walked away Welsh was smiling and muttering to himself. "Interesting. Very interesting."  
________________________________________

Ray picked her up the next evening in his brand new Z3. He had treated himself to the new sports car when he returned to Chicago. He'd been feeling a little down about Stella and missing Fraser and work. Besides, Fraser and Stanley had dumped his last Rivera in Lake Michigan and he figured that if by the wildest stretch of the imagination he was able to find another one, sooner or later Fraser would come back and destroy it too. At least this was a different type of car so maybe Fraser wouldn't have a death wish for it.

And of course Ray knew, he just knew, he looked good in it.

"Nice car Ray! Maybe I should have worn something more in keeping with a James Bond girl?" She had lost the briefcase, glasses and suit jacket and unbuttoned her blouse down three buttons. Ray knew because he counted them. He thought she looked . . . edible? Nope, no more cold showers.

"You look just great. The car pales in comparison!" She was mildly surprised when he opened the car door for her and her look told him so. "I'm gonna have to tell you all about my best friend. He used to be a Mountie, the politeness, among other things, kinda rubs off."

"I heard something about you being partnered with an RCMP officer. How--" She smiled at the warmth in Ray's laugh.

"It's a very, very long story. Name's Benny, actually Benton Fraser, we've been friends for . . . well it seems like a lifetime." He pulled away from the curb, tires squealing. Claire's long blonde hair was immediately blowing in the wind. 

She immediately began to laugh. "Ray Vecchio, I like your style!"  
________________________________________

They had dinner at the best Italian restaurant Ray could think of. Claire was amused by his ability to order in Italian. Even though she was aware that he was trying to impress her, he needn't have bothered. Everything about him impressed her. He was at once the most volatile yet gentle man she had ever met. He was open and caring and obviously loved his friend Benny very much. She was not used to men who cared as deeply as Ray and she loved it.

She found his stories of his exploits with Benton Fraser hilarious. She laughed until she couldn't laugh any more. At one point Ray became concerned when she began to choke from laughter. "No, Ray, you have to stop. A person like that cannot possibly exist in nature!" She was afraid that she might embarrass herself by spitting out her food. "I can't eat and listen to this at the same time." Ray had just told her about the time Benny had been shot - in the hat.

They sat in the restaurant for hours, eating, talking, laughing, and as the evening progressed, holding hands. It had become a moment in time that neither one of them would ever forget. One of those magical, once in a lifetime moments, when time stops and the world exists for only them.

But, all too soon it was time for the restaurant to close. The maitre'd hesitated to interrupt, but he had a life too and was anxious to get on with it. He made discreet overtures to Ray, but to no avail. He told a passing busboy that that guy must be in some kind of trance.

Ray finally revived from his trance long enough to notice the waiter signaling to him. He paid the check and he and Claire walked hand in hand to his car. Claire hesitated as Ray opened the car door for her. She turned to him and searched his eyes for several moments.

"Ray, what's happening here? I've never . . . "

"Me neither." He thought about Ange, but it hadn't been like this with her. This was something that he had never thought possible. He felt like he had been struck by lightning, and he liked it.

She was standing so close to him he could feel her warmth. And when he touched her cheek there was no turning back for either of them. She was in his arms in an instant. As he kissed her she was also struck by lightning. Her body molded to his and they became as one body, one soul, standing in the parking lot of an Italian restaurant.

When he could no longer breathe, Ray pulled away from her. "Oh, my," he whispered, still unable to catch his breath.

"Oh, my is right." Claire had to hold on to him to keep from sliding into mush at his feet.

When Ray could finally breathe and think a little more clearly he took her home. As they sat in the car in front of her building neither one of them spoke, and Claire began to wonder if he just wanted her to get out. As she started to open her door, he grabbed her hand. "Wait! Claire . . . I think this . . . we might be moving a little too fast. I . . . I . . . we . . . maybe we should slow down just a little?"

Claire was at once relieved and disappointed. Her head was spinning and she knew she needed some time for rational thought. Although she wasn't altogether sure she'd ever be able to think clearly again.

Ray walked Claire to her door and he kissed her goodnight. When she unlocked the door he followed her in, and never left.

Part 2: 'A Countenance More in Sorrow Than in Anger.'

Claire and Ray had been together for almost four months and Ray had never been happier. Sure, he had been in love before, once, and thought he had been in love so many times he'd lost count. But it had never been anything remotely like this. He loved Claire more than he thought he could love any one. And that love was made all the stronger because he was convinced that Claire felt exactly the same way.

By now Claire thought she knew everything there was to know about Ray. For the first several weeks they rarely slept. When they were together they were either making love until the wee hours of the morning or talking as they watched the sun come up. He told her about his childhood traumas with the likes of his father and Frank Zuko, his feeling of triumph when he graduated from the Police Academy, his failed marriage, his love for a woman named Irene, and of course, his exploits with the Mountie.

Claire found herself just a tad jealous of one of those memories, well envious might be a better word, of Benton Fraser. But only because he had been close to Ray longer than she and had done so many fascinating things with him. It was because of this envy that she was a little less than thrilled when she came home from work one night and found Ray jumping up and down, shouting at her, "They're coming home. They're finally coming home!"

Her momentary hesitation turned to pure joy at Ray's happiness. "Whoa, Ray calm down before you strain something!" Although she knew she didn't need to ask, "Who is coming home and when is this earth shaking event going to happen?"

Ray was momentary taken aback, until he realized she was teasing him. "Benny 's coming home!" He grabbed her and swung her around as she laughed. "They'll be here in two days!" he yelled as he shoved Fraser's letter under her nose.

His happiness was so infectious she laughed even harder. "They?"

"Fraser and Kowalski."

Ray had told Claire a lot of things about Benton, both the good and the bad. But he had never said much about Kowalski. She had realized that there was something there, some underlying current of animosity, probably having something to do with Benton, but she had never asked. She hoped they all could become good friends. She genuinely wanted that for Ray, and for herself.  
________________________________________

Fraser and Kowalski were ready to go home. Fraser missed Ray and was anxious to meet the new woman in his life. Kowalski was anxious to get away from the cold and the unhappiness that had been plaguing him almost from the start of their adventure. He was running away again. But he chose not to think of it as running away, he was just still trying to find out who he was, and he realized he wasn't finding himself here.

Fraser was aware that Kowalski was unhappy but try as he might there seemed to be nothing he could do or say to help. They had done everything that he wanted to do, gone everywhere he wanted to go, but still Kowalski had grown more and more depressed and withdrawn. When they heard that Ray and Stella had split up Kowalski finally lost it.

"Who the hell does he think he is? First he steals her from me and then he dumps her? In Florida?" He was livid.

Fraser had trouble understanding his anger. "Ray did not steal Stella from you. First of all, you and Stella have been divorced for a long time, and secondly Stella went with Ray of her own free will. Didn't she say in her last letter that she was less than happy with Ray?" He was suddenly aware that this might be the source of Kowalski's depression. "Are you worried about Stella?"

"I dunno what's wrong with me, Fraser. I just can't seem ta remember the last time I was really happy. Yeah, I can. It was when Stella n' I were together. I just miss her ya know?" Gloom seemed to settle in around him.

Fraser patted him on the back. "Let's go home, it's time. Our adventure is over."

Kowalski seemed resigned to the failure of his quest, whether it was to find the Hand of Franklin or himself. "Yeah, that's a good idea."  
________________________________________

Ray was excited and as nervous as a cat as they drove to the airport. And even though she didn't want to admit it, so was Claire. Benton was the most important man in Ray's life and it was important to her to make a good impression on him. But more than that, Ray's happiness meant everything to her. She sincerely hoped that Benton's adventures in the north hadn't changed him or his relationship with Ray.

Fraser spotted Ray's smiling face as he was walking down the jetway. As soon as the crowd cleared he was the recipient of the biggest bear hug he had had since, well, since the last time he had seen Ray.

"God, it's good to see you, Benny. Lost a little weight haven't you? Got a pretty good tan though. Lot's of sunshine in the frozen north?"

Fraser laughed a deep, resonate, heart felt laugh, one that told Ray everything he had been waiting to hear and then some. Benny was back. "It's good to see you to, Ray. It's been far too long." He held Ray at arm's length and studied him closely. "You look great Ray! Being in love definitely agrees with you. And this must be--" Fraser turned to smile at Claire.

"Ah, jeez, Claire I'm sorry!" Ray had momentarily forgotten her presence. "Benny, this is Claire, Claire, Benny." Fraser couldn't help but notice the pride in Ray's voice as he spoke Claire's name.

Fraser extended his hand to her, but Claire had another idea. "A handshake will never do for you, Benton." She hugged him tightly, not considering how embarrassed he would be.

"I . . . ah . . . it's . . . pleased to meet you."

Claire laughed as she turned to Ray, "So, that's where you get it from!"

Ray smiled, "Told you, it kinda rubs off!"

"And I'm Ray Kowalski. If anybody cares." Even though the last words had been spoken under his breath, Claire heard them as she shook his hand as she frowned at him.

"Good to see you, Stanley." Ray extended his hand and Kowalski reluctantly shook it.

Claire attempted to relieve the tension that had settled around the group by taking Ben's arm and directing them all to the parking garage. Ray invited them back to their place for the evening, so they all piled into Claire's car, wouldn't even come close to all fitting in Ray's, and drove to Highland Park.

Claire insisted on giving up her seat, so Ray drove and Fraser rode shotgun. That left Kowalski and Claire in the back seat. While Ray and Fraser reminisced about the good ole' days in the front, Claire tried in vain to make small talk with him. After several questions that elicited only one-word responses, she tried a different tact.

"Did you and Benton have any outlandish experiences in the North like the three of you went through here in Chicago?"

"Wasn't never the three of us. First it was Fraser and Vecchio, now it's Fraser and me."

"I just meant," she sighed, "oh, never mind." They rode the rest of the way in silence, Claire trying in vain to follow the conversation between Ray and Benton. Ray was chastising Benny about using him as a human shield, while he was wrapped in frozen meat. Claire was sure she hadn't heard Ray correctly, she definitely couldn't have heard that correctly. There was a lot of laughter coming from the front seat and a lot of silence coming from the back.  
________________________________________

Claire rarely formed opinions about people based on first impressions, Ray being one notable exception. Today had to count as number two. By the time they reached the apartment she had formed an intense dislike for the man who had introduced himself as Ray, Ray Kowalski.

She didn't mind so much for herself, but being ever protective of the man she loved, she did not at all like the way Kowalski's expression changed whenever he looked at Ray. She could tell that Kowalski's presence made him uneasy, but Ray was trying his best to include Kowalski in the conversation and make him feel welcome in his home. But she could tell that not only did he not feel welcome, he hated being here. She wondered what his problem was.

As she went to the kitchen in search of more pretzels to replace the ones the men had finished off, she frowned to herself over Kowalski's attitude.

Out of the corner of his eye Fraser could see that Claire needed help reaching something in a high cupboard. As he went to offer assistance he couldn't help but study her. He liked the way she looked, the way she seemed to fit Ray. He knew she was an internal investigator, the first female IA investigator he had ever known. That seemed odd to him, she didn't look like one. But since he had never known a female investigator, who was he to say what one should look like? He smiled to himself.

Ray had never looked better, and when he looked at Claire his face lit up like a Ferris wheel at a county fair. He could tell the man was deeply in love and was happy for him. He envied him a little too. Love with the right woman had always eluded him and he desperately wished he could find someone like Claire. Someone to relieve the loneliness, to build a home, to spend the rest of his life with.

"Here, let me help you with that. Claire, you seem to be many miles away. Is there something on your mind?" 

His smile had her wondering. Was there any one in the world who, after being the recipient of one of those beautiful smiles, could resist returning it?

"Actually Benton, there is." She kept her voice low so the occupants of the living room would not overhear. "What's the problem between Ray and Kowalski? Ray spoke incessantly about you and your adventures. But he almost never mentioned Kowalski." She frowned again as she looked at the two men sitting in the next room. "And Kowalski is obviously very uncomfortable here."  


Ben hesitated for several moments, trying to determine of a tactful way of telling her about Stella. Claire noticed his discomfort and smiled at him.

"If you're trying to spare my feelings, don't worry, I know about Stella."

Ben sighed and smiled at her again. "Well, that makes it a little easier." He hesitated briefly. "This started along time ago, back when Ray went undercover and Kowalski took over his life. He had no idea how long Ray would be gone and being unhappy with the way his life was going at the time he decided becoming someone else for awhile might not be a bad idea. It turned out to be much harder on him than he expected. After many months he sort of became Ray Vecchio. Francesca was his sister, I was his partner and friend, and the 27th Precinct was his home. Then, quite unexpectedly Ray returned, stepped right in and reclaimed his life." He sighed deeply at the look of reproach Claire gave him. "And rightfully so. It was of course, Ray's life.

"Ray and Kowalski actually only knew each other for a short time prior to our taking off for the Territories. The last time they were together Ray was shot and then we had already gone exploring when Ray left for Florida with Stella. Kowalski became more and more depressed after that." Ben looked at him as he sighed. "He's very unhappy."

Claire looked in the same direction, "I can tell."

"He believed that Ray tired of Stella, and I believe his exact word was 'dumped' her in Florida."

Claire immediately came to Ray's defense, "But that's not . . . "

"I know, I know. That was his perception. I think he is still very much in love with Stella."

Claire felt a small measure of compassion for Kowalski. If he had not been treating Ray with such contempt she might have actually felt sorry for him. Now that she knew more of the story she determined to try to be a little more tolerant of him.

Ray and Kowalski were in the living room drinking beer and eating pretzel crumbs. Ray had tried with only marginal success to draw him into a conversation about his latest case. Background investigations for potential defense contractor employees were not the most exciting work he'd ever done, but at least it was something to talk about. When he realized that this was not having the desired result, he changed the topic to something they both had in common, Fraser.

"When you 'n Benny were partners here in Chicago did he do a lot of that tasting stuff?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Ever actually solve a case 'cause of something he tasted?"

"Nope, can't remember any." He was trying, really trying, but he just couldn't shake this foul mood. He resented everything about Vecchio, the new lady, the new place, the new car, for god's sake, the new life. 'Hell, if anybody deserves a new life it's me not him. Who does he think he is? First, I keep his butt outta trouble by takin over his life for him, becomin’ him, 'n then he waltzes back in like nothin's happened 'n takes it all back. But then he's not satisfied screwin with my new life, he's gotta screw with the old one too. Only thing worth tryin ta get back in the old life was Stella.' He was so lost in thought he didn't realize Ray was still talking to him.

"Kowalski, you trying to think of a Fraser anecdote or are you ignoring me?" Ray was getting really tired of trying to keep up both ends of the conversation.

"Sorry Vecchio, just memberin Fraser stuff." 

Ray frowned at him as he reached for another beer. All the beer he was guzzling sure hadn't helped his mood any.

From the kitchen Fraser was also frowning at him but for a reason entirely different from either Claire's or Ray's. If Ray had never looked better, Kowalski had never looked worse. Fraser had hoped returning to Chicago would improve his state of mind. Granted, they had just arrived, but things were not looking good.

Standing in the kitchen looking at him, Fraser realized for the first time just how much weight he’d lost, making the dark circles under his eyes even more prominent. He looked almost gaunt. Fraser was deeply concerned for his friend.

He hoped his news would not worsen his mood, or the way Kowalski felt about Ray.  
________________________________________

As yet no one had brought up the subject of what the two adventurers would do now that they were back in Chicago. Although Kowalski and Fraser had discussed it neither of them had reached any decisions. That is until Ray had talked to Fraser. Ray had talked to him about it when Fraser called from their lay over in Regina. All he had said was he'd think about it, but he hadn't needed to think too long. Fraser could not imagine anything he would rather do, with the possible exception of rejoining the RCMP. Ray had asked him to be his partner, to join his investigation firm. Fraser had decided to accept.

He was worried about Kowalski's reaction, however. He thought it advisable to tell him the news when the two of them were alone, especially given his current state of mind. As it turned out that was not to be.

As Claire and Fraser returned with more pretzels she was determined to draw Kowalski into the conversation, but as Ray later told her she really put her foot in it. “What are the two of you planning to do with yourselves, now that you're back in town?"

"I dunno. Fraser probably has some kinda ideas what'd be good fer us. Usually does." Claire didn't understand the uneasy looks that passed between Ray and Benton and was even more confused when Ray asked her to come and help him with something in the bedroom.

"Ray, you did what?" She was astounded when Ray told her. "You know I never interfere in your business, and you're so busy you can certainly use a partner. But why didn't you tell me, WARN me, to keep my mouth shut? Oh, Ray I feel so terrible, I just - oh shit!" 

"It's okay," he hugged her and sighed, "Benny'll handle it. He hasn't even accepted my offer yet. So maybe this is . . . " Suddenly they could hear Kowalski shouting at Fraser.

"No way! I . . . I don't friggin believe this--"

"Calm down, please don't be upset. I think you have consumed more than your fair share of alcohol this evening. We should discuss this when your head is a little clearer." Fraser was shocked at the violence of Kowalski’s reaction to the news that he would be joining Ray in business.

"What's ta discuss? You're gonna partner up with Vecchio after all! That's just great, screw with the past, screw with the present, screw with the future! What's the diff? That's just . . . just . . . just great!" Then he stormed out of the apartment.

Fraser was right behind him but hesitated as Ray came out of the bedroom. "I've got . . . I'm sorry. Please excuse--"

"Go, Benny. Let us know what's happening?" Ray shouted after his friend. "Oh shit is right," he muttered under his breath.

When he turned to Claire she had tears in her eyes. "Oh, Ray, I am so sorry. Poor guy, he shouldn't have had to find out this way. Is there anything we can do?" 

Her tears touched his heart as he took her in his arms. "I'll talk to Benny, but I think the best thing for us to do is stay out of it. Kowalski needs to find his own way. I think he's having a lot of trouble doing that."

Part 3: 'Murder Most Foul'

And so, once again, Ray Vecchio and Benton Fraser were partners. Ray had already established the office so all that was necessary was for Fraser to move in. He was excited to start his new job, but it was with mixed emotions that he came to work the first morning. For all of his adult life he had been Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police, a Mountie, but now he was just plain Ben Fraser, private citizen. It felt very strange to start the day's business not wearing a uniform.

It also felt strange to start the day without seeing, or at least speaking to Kowalski. Fraser continued to be very worried about him. They had been back in Chicago for three weeks now, but since Kowalski had moved back into his old apartment Fraser had seen very little of him. He was certain however, that he was drinking heavily.

Fraser went by the apartment several times when he knew he was there, but usually Kowalski would not see him, refusing to answer the door. The few times he had actually been let in it was obvious to Fraser that he was either drunk or hung over. He had attempted to talk to him about it and had almost been thrown out on his ear as a result. His friend was slowly destroying himself and Fraser was at a loss as to what to do about it.

Ray had suggested that he give him some space, some time to get used to the new situation, but Fraser was not satisfied with that. He had toyed with the idea of contacting Stella but rejected it almost as soon as it occurred to him. He firmly believed that Stella was a major source of the problem.

He finally decided to talk to Lieutenant Welsh, believing that the Lieutenant knew enough of the situation and the people involved to be of assistance in determining a way to help his friend. He called the Precinct and made an appointment to meet Welsh for lunch, away from Kowalski's old friends and away from Ray.

"Constab . . . Fraser! Good to see you." Welsh called as he walked up. Fraser had already gotten them a table at a diner several blocks from the station. As he sat down he had to smile at the other man's appearance. "Not used to seeing you in a suit and tie Fraser."

"Actually, I'm not used to working in anything but a uniform. I just try to think of this as the new uniform for the new job." It was good to see the Lieutenant again. It had been a long time.

"How's the private eye business? Sounds kinda tame compared to the messes you guys used to get in to."

"It has its moments. Right now we have contracted with a major defense contractor to do background investigations on potential employees. Have you ever heard of Linn Electronics?"

Welsh whistled under his breath, "That's really the big time. Vecchio didn't waste any time going for the heavy hitters."

"Actually they looked him up. One of the Vice Presidents is from Ray's old neighborhood. I guess he thought Ray could use the work. And Ray wanted to help out an old friend. The extra workload turned out to be more than Ray could handle, hence my partnership." They had come around to the reason for this meeting.

"Lieutenant, I need your advice on a personal matter," Fraser said, but suddenly began to wonder if this was such a good idea. Perhaps Kowalski would not want even more people to know about his problems. At this point, however, Kowalski obviously was not capable of knowing what he wanted or needed.

"Kowalski? Don't be surprised Fraser, most everybody at the station knows Kowalski is hitting the bottle pretty hard."

"Is there anything we can do for him, Lieutenant? I have tried everything I can think of, short of hog tying him, to get him to talk about what's bothering him. He won't, or can't, tell me what's wrong."

"Maybe he doesn't know. Back in the old days I experimented, shall we say, with ways to escape reality. Maybe that's what he's doing. Trying to get away from the pain, pain he doesn't understand." He sighed, "How about if I try to talk to him?"

Fraser had hoped that Welsh would make just that suggestion. He was relieved that someone else was going to help in the fight to bring him back. "Thank you kindly."

As they ate, Fraser filled the Lieutenant in on background investigations, every last detail of background investigations.  
________________________________________

Lieutenant Welsh went to Kowalski's apartment at 11:00 the next morning. He pounded on the door for ten minutes before Kowalski finally opened it. 

"Whatdayawant?"

"To come in would be a nice place to start." His appearance and the appearance of his apartment appalled Welsh. He had to clear empty vodka bottles out of his path just to get inside the door. Not to mention the trash he had to shove aside to be able to find a place to sit. "Nice place you got here."

"I said whatdayawant?"

"I wanna talk to you. Man to man, friend to friend." He'd seen lots of deplorable things since becoming a cop, but he could not believe one man could sink so low, that Kowalski had allowed himself to get like this.

"I ain't got no friends," he snapped as he rummaged through a pile of trash on the kitchen counter, apparently looking for a bottle that wasn't empty, and having little success.

"The fact you believe that is a big part of your problem, Kowalski. You've got lots of friends, cops and non-cops." Welsh responded as he began moving around the room gathering up trash.

"Ya mean like Fraser 'n Vecchio? Make me sick, both of em. Just look at em, goin on their merry way, like nothin's happened, like they couldn't care less."

"You're wrong about both of them, but especially Fraser. He's worried sick about you and what you're doing to yourself."

"Sure has a funny waya showin it!"

"Kowalski, what is eating you?" Even though Welsh's patience with him was wearing thin he knew he couldn't stop now, he had to get to the bottom of this.

Kowalski ran his hands through his hair. Welsh could see him trembling with anger. "You wanna know what's eatin me? You wanna know--" he interrupted himself as he heaved an empty liquor bottle across the room shattering it against the far wall. "--what's eatin me?" He was shouting with such emotion that Welsh was dumbfounded. "Vecchio, that's what eatin me! Him, and his precious little life! I'm sick of him takin stuff from me, takin stuff, and throwin it back in my face!" 

"What's Vecchio--"

He was still shouting for God, and everyone within a city block, to hear. "What? WHAT? My wife, my best friend, my life for god's sake, he's takin everythin! I got nothin left." He wasn't shouting now, it appeared to Welsh that the shouting and the anger had drained out of him. Or, maybe he was just catching his breath.

Welsh went to him and took him by the shoulders, attempting to look him in the eye, ah, bloodshot eyes. "Look man, Vecchio's just a convenient excuse. You DIVORCED your wife and gave up your old life for an undercover assignment. As for your best friend: Vecchio didn't take Fraser, you pushed him away. The life you got now you made, no one forced you in to it. And you've done one helluva good job screwing it up." From the look of him up close that was a major understatement.

Welsh pushed him out of the way and started to look for a coffeepot. "I'm gonna make some coffee, you're gonna drink it, and we're gonna talk. Or, I'm gonna talk and you're gonna listen."

For the next hour Welsh forced Kowalski to drink about a gallon of coffee and listen to him lecture, cajole, beg and talk to him like a father. In the end it seemed to have the desired result. He was feeling a little better, primarily about himself. He'd begun, just barely, to regain some of the self-respect he had lost over the last few years. Welsh had even elicited a promise that he would go to an AA meeting. He figured he'd have to drag him there, but what the hell, he was in Good Samaritan mode today. Fraser seemed to have that affect on him.

When he left a couple of hours later, Welsh felt he had done a good day's work. He'd helped Kowalski begin to clean up his act, figuratively and literally, if the trash bags he'd hauled to the dumpster were any indication. He'd have to call Fraser and let him know the outcome of his visit.  
________________________________________

Kowalski did a fairly good job of staying clean and sober for the next few weeks. He experienced bouts of depression but was able to handle them without seeking comfort from the bottle. He was even seeing a lot of Fraser. 

Even though Fraser was very grateful for Welsh's intervention he still did not entirely understand all the sources of Kowalski's depression, but he knew one topic to avoid whenever they were together: Ray. But that made it hard for him to have much to talk about, since his work revolved around his and Ray's partnership. So they usually talked about past cases, sports, Fraser's knowledge of which just seemed to irritate him, or the weather.

Fraser tried to keep him busy with basketball games and one unfortunate hockey game. He actually discovered something that Kowalski and Ray had in common, they both hated hockey, although for the life of him Fraser could not understand why. He had even gotten Kowalski to go a few rounds with a sparring partner at the local gym. All in all, things seemed to be beginning to slowly look up.

He appreciated Fraser's desperate attempts to help him. In the back of his mind however, lurked Ray Vecchio and all the animosity he felt for him. He was beginning to realize that his feelings were irrational, but he couldn't help it, he hated Vecchio. And so he tried to push the feelings of hatred out of his mind. He didn't deal with them, just tried not think about them.  
________________________________________

Lieutenant Welsh also kept in touch with him. He made it a point to get him out of the apartment for lunch a couple of times a week. He knew it would be good for him and besides, now that he was cleaning up his act Welsh enjoyed his company.

About four weeks after he had originally gone to see him, Welsh called and asked him to come down to the precinct before they went to lunch, saying that he had a proposition for him. At first Kowalski was reluctant since it had been awhile since he'd seen any of his old friends, but Welsh was persistent and he finally relented.

Walking through the doors of the squad room felt very strange to him. Kind of like being in the Twilight Zone. His old friends seemed glad to see him but the atmosphere seemed kind of strained. "Maybe when they get used ta havin me around they'll relax," he muttered under his breath, hoping no one would hear. He said hello to a few people but didn't stop to chat as he made a beeline straight for Welsh's office.

"Kowalski, good to see you back in the office! How you doing?" Welsh was interested in Kowalski's response, though he personally thought that he looked much better, still not the best, but better.

"Doin okay, Lieu. What ya got for me?" It felt so familiar Kowalski almost smiled.

"I've got a friend who runs security over at Midland National Bank, you know, on Jefferson? One of his security guys is retiring. Called me the other day, wanting to know if I knew anyone who'd be interested in the job. You interested?" Welsh wasn't gonna push but he thought this would be a smart move for Kowalski.

"Ya sure ya wanna recommend me? I dunno if I'm ready" he felt his self-confidence slipping a little. Welsh got up from behind his desk walked over to him and put his arm around his shoulders. As they walked through the office door Welsh handed him a slip of paper. "Here's the guy's name and number. The job's yours if you want"

As luck, or fate, or chance, or destiny would have it, at the same time that Welsh and Kowalski were walking out of Welsh's office, Fraser and Ray came through the squad room door, arguing and laughing as if they didn't have a care in the world. "Ray, Ray, Ray--"

All four men saw each other at the same time and froze. Everyone fell silent. No one spoke, not the four men or the other occupants of the room. Welsh felt Kowalski's shoulders tighten as his eyes locked with Ray's.

Welsh heard one of the detectives sitting close to him mutter "Shit!" A few of the uniformed officers suddenly found it necessary to conduct their business in another part of the precinct. After a couple of minutes most everyone else found things on their desk that needed their undivided attention. Everyone that remained in the room secretly wished they were on another planet.

Fraser was the first to regain his composure. "Rau, Lieutenant Welsh, it's good to see you both!" He approached the two men but Vecchio hung back, unsure as to what he should do, speak to Kowalski or get the hell out of there. He finally decided he was tired of living his life avoiding Kowalski.

"Good to see you both too. To what do we owe the honor of your presence?" Welsh thought he sounded like a greeting card commercial.

"Just getting some information from my files." The look on Kowalski's face made Ray immediately regret his words. The tension in the room had become unbearable. Fraser and Welsh were trying desperately to avoid a scene, Ray was trying to hold his ground and Kowalski, well no one knew what he was going to do, and there in lay the source of the tension.

"What files Vecchio?" The syrupy sweetness of Kowalski's voice made the hair on the back of Fraser's neck stand on end. "Whose files?"

"If you wanna get technical about it, Department files." Ray's tone of voice told Fraser that Ray was losing patience with the situation brewing around them. "We'll just get this release signed and be on our way over to document storage."

As Vecchio brushed past him on his way to get Welsh's signature on the form, Kowalski grabbed his arm. "Anything that's mine ya leave alone." Everyone present could tell that he was rapidly losing it.  


Ray ever so slowly looked at the hand on his arm and then even more slowly up at Kowalski. He smiled at him, a smile that came nowhere near his eyes. He spoke very slowly, "You would be smart to remove your hand while you still have a hand to remove, Stanley." The ice in Ray's voice matched the syrup in Kowalski's.

Fraser groaned as he moved to separate the two men. He reached out to pull Kowalski away from Ray and all was lost. His attempt was rewarded by a hard shove from Kowalski that knocked the unsuspecting Fraser off his feet, over a chair, onto a desk, and then onto the floor.

By the time Fraser righted himself, Ray was on top of Kowalski, both men having fallen to the floor with fists and legs flying. On top of both men were Welsh and two detectives trying to break them up. Within seconds the officers had both men standing, Welsh holding back Kowalski and the other two detectives holding back Vecchio.

Kowalski was struggling hard against Welsh to get at Ray. "Vecchio ya sonofabitch!" Kowalski snarled through clenched teeth. "I swear . . . I swear ta god . . . next time I see ya I'm . . . I'm . . . gonna kill ya." He turned to glare at the stunned Fraser. "Make up yer mind, him or me!"

"Please not here. I . . . don't make me choose . . . I can't . . . it's not--"

"Ya can go ta hell, Fraser. You 'n yer friend Ray Vecchio, can both go ta hell." The utter hatred with which he spoke those words broke Fraser's heart. Kowalski shook loose of Welsh and stormed out of the squad room.

No one said a word as Fraser straightened his suit and tie. He slowly bent to pick up the scattered papers he'd been carrying, stood up and looked at Welsh. He turned and left the room without a word.  


Ray couldn't think of anything to say either. He muttered something about being sorry and followed his partner out.  
________________________________________

Neither man had spoken much after they left the Precinct, but as Ray dropped Fraser off at his apartment they both knew that even though it was still early in the day there would be no chance of getting any more work done today.

Ray wasn't sure he should let Fraser out of the car without saying something. "You gonna be okay, Benny? Want to get something to eat, or maybe you should come home with me?" He hated to think of Fraser going in to that empty apartment feeling the way he did.

"Thanks, Ray, but I don't want to intrude." The look on Ray's face made Fraser regret his words. "I'm sorry Ray, I know it wouldn't be an intrusion, I just need some time to think." He hung his head and turned toward his apartment building. He muttered, "thanks, Ray," as he walked away.

As he watched Fraser disappear into the building Ray considered going to see Kowalski. Maybe what he had told Claire about staying out of it had been wrong. Maybe if he talked to Kowalski he could straighten things out. Maybe . . . 

Upon further consideration Ray realized that that was probably one of his dumber ideas. First of all, he had done nothing wrong, and second, Kowalski was the one who had started the fight. Even threatened to kill him for god's sake. Nope, any straightening out to be done would be done by Kowalski. Ray rubbed his jaw. Kowalski had gotten in at least one good punch. He hoped it wouldn't bruise up because he sure didn't want Claire to know anything about what had happened today.

As Fraser opened the door of his small apartment he was overcome with the feeling of loneliness. He felt more alone than he had felt in a very long time. He had just lost one of his two best friends. Over the past few weeks he had grown close to Kowalski again. He felt that Kowalski had needed him and knew that he needed his friendship. That was one of the reasons he valued Kowalski's friendship as much if not more than Ray's. Ray had Claire. It had been hard to consider them both best friends, considering the way they felt about each other, but Fraser had thought he was handling it pretty well, until today.

He was extremely angry with both of them. Kowalski for overreacting, but that was to be expected from him these days, and knocking him off his feet. And Ray, well, he wasn't sure why he was angry with Ray. Perhaps he just felt that Ray should have been more understanding. Ray? Understanding? Fraser smiled to himself as he ran his thumb across his brow. What was he going to do now? What could he do now?

He sat for a very long time alone in the total quiet of his apartment. The shadows grew longer and he was aware it was getting late. Oh well, he had nothing to do, and no one to do it with. So he continued to sit. He thought about all the things that he had been through since coming to Chicago, first with Vecchio and then with Kowalski. He loved both men like brothers, totally different, totally opposite brothers. And he refused to let either of them make him choose between them.

As darkness closed in around him he was no closer to an answer than when he' d walked out of the Precinct earlier in the day.  
________________________________________

Kowalski knew he had finally done it. Maybe that's what he'd been shooting for all along, give Fraser no option, push him away before he chose to leave on his own. He'd always known Fraser would choose Vecchio, hadn't he done it when he decided to partner up with him again? But lately he'd begun to think maybe it could work, him and Fraser and Fraser and Vecchio. He ran the cool vodka glass over his forehead. But he'd done it all right, pushed Fraser down, down and away.

Jeez, had he really done that, knocked Fraser off his feet? He felt like he did that day by the lake when he had socked Fraser in the jaw. They patched things up then, but now? No! He didn't want to patch things up. Fraser made his choice, had chosen right there in the squad room, chosen Vecchio.

All of the hatred for Vecchio that he had tried to suppress had come rushing back in a torrent the moment he’d seen him in the squad room. The hatred and jealousy threatened to engulf him and sweep him away. He had to strike out, had to hurt Vecchio, like Vecchio had hurt him.

He didn't know who he hated more, Vecchio, Fraser, or himself. He wanted to kill them both - and himself. He drained his glass and went to pour another drink.  
________________________________________

Kowalski sat in his drunken stupor for along time before he realized what he had to do. He had to eliminate the source of his pain. He centered all of the negative feelings from the last several years onto one individual. He convinced himself that the only way he could ever feel happy again was to eliminate Vecchio. He could no longer bear living like this.

To his alcohol-muddled brain his plan was simple, he'd follow Vecchio on one of his background checks and catch him alone. Then he'd take care of his problem. He'd be careful, no one would ever know he'd done it. Then Fraser would be his friend again, and this pain in his gut would be gone forever.  
________________________________________

Kowalski didn't have long to wait. The next day Ray and Fraser split up and each went to check on sources in separate parts of town. He followed Vecchio for about two hours before he ran out of booze and, to his mind, out of time.  


Ray was checking with former neighbors of a potential Linn Electronics employee. When he took a shortcut from one address to another down a narrow alley between two apartment buildings, Kowalski was waiting for him.

"Stop right there, Vecchio!" He waved a gun wildly at Ray.

"Kowalski, what the hell?"

Kowalski moved forward stumbling just a bit. Ray knew instantly that he was drunk and it scared the hell out of him.

"Shaddup ya sonofabitch. I'm sick aya screwin wit my life. Fraser chose ya, but once yer gone we'll be friends again. He'll need me"

"I need you to be my friend now, Rah." They both jumped as Fraser came quietly up behind him. "Put down the gun and we can talk. Just you and me, we can work this out. You don't want to do this. Just put down the gun."

But Kowalski wouldn't, or couldn't respond to Fraser. He was intent on his target and Fraser realized it. As Fraser attempted to get between them, Kowalski squeezed the trigger. The first shot took Fraser down. With Fraser dying at his feet Ray tried to lunge for the gun, but a second shot got Ray too.

Kowalski passed out and hit the ground almost before Ray did.

Part 4: 'There is Something Rotten'

Claire Daniels had come highly recommended to Alderman James Vickers for the work she was doing with other city agencies. He was been worried that the Campaign Practices Committee was going to investigate financial contributions made to his last re-election campaign and he wanted to be prepared for any contingency. Given the potential for embarrassment to himself and his family he hired Claire's firm to conduct an informal review.

She was in his office discussing the results of that review when his secretary interrupted. There were two Chicago police officers that would like to speak to her right away. Claire was surprised to see Lieutenant Welsh waiting for her when she stepped outside.

"Oh my, Lieutenant Welsh, I hope I haven't broken--" Her sense of humor left her when she saw the look on his face. "Lieutenant, what is it?"

"Claire, let's sit down over here." There was a small couch in the reception area, slightly secluded from the rest of the room, and he took her hand to lead her there. "Claire, I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you this . . . but Ray . . . has . . . has been shot. He died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital."

She stared into his eyes for a few brief moments and then smiled slightly. "You're joking, of course. I just spoke with Ray a few hours ago. Benton was on his way to pick him up. We are going for Chinese as soon as I am done here. I--"

His forced her to look at him, to see him, as he slowly said the words, "Claire, listen to me. Ray died less than an hour ago. Fraser is dead too, he was pronounced dead at the scene. Ray Kowalski has been arrested."

As soon as she heard Kowalski's name Claire knew Welsh wasn't kidding. All of the color drained from her face as she clamped her hand hard over her mouth. She didn't scream or cry or utter a sound. She just stared at Welsh. He wished she would scream at him, that he could handle, sort of, but he was not prepared for this reaction.

"Claire, honey, let's go. Officer Howell will drive us to your apartment. Mrs. Vecchio has been notified. Let's go, we'll get you home." He urged her up and put his arm around her shoulders, just as he had done for Kowalski, a couple of lifetimes ago. Claire stumbled and he was afraid she might fall, but she stood up straight and walked out of the office building and to the waiting squad car.  
________________________________________

Claire went to the Memorial service for Benton Fraser and she went to the funeral for Ray Vecchio. That is to say she was present physically, but her mind wasn't there, having retreated to a far away place of no thoughts or feelings. In days afterward she had no memory of either event.

As the hours and days passed she retreated farther and farther away from the pain of reality. Mrs. Vecchio, no stranger to pain herself, tried in vain to bring her back, to make contact and pull her away from the terrible place she had resigned herself to. She succeeded only in getting Claire to acknowledge her efforts.

"Mrs. Vecchio I know what you are trying to do and believe me I appreciate it." Of course she was lying and Ray's mother knew it. "I just . . . just can't deal with everything yet. I promise I will call you in a couple of days."

Mrs. Vecchio left the apartment knowing full well that if any call were to be made, she would be the one to make it.  
________________________________________

After the deaths of Ray Vecchio and Benton Fraser and the arrest of Stanley Raymond Kowalski for the crimes the 27th Precinct worked on autopilot. No one wanted to stop and think about what had happened or how it might have been prevented. No one wanted to think at all. Even though Vecchio, Fraser and Kowalski were no longer cops the officers of the 27th felt they had lost their own. Most of the people who had known them were inconsolable.

No one doubted that Kowalski had committed the murders, he had threatened Vecchio and had confessed to the crimes. The murder weapon with two shots fired was in his hand when he was found, unconscious, at the scene. Ballistics confirmed that the bullets were fired from that gun. No further investigation was done. None was needed.  
________________________________________

Kowalski's trial was really only a formality and therefore lasted only a few days. To the dismay of his attorney, he made no effort to defend himself. He had killed his best friend and Ray Vecchio. He didn't remember doing it, but he had. He had hated Vecchio so much that he had shot him - shot both of them. He remembered wanting to shoot Vecchio, but he didn't think he had meant to shoot Fraser. He wasn't sure though, he couldn't remember.

Kowalski knew that he didn't deserve to live, so when the judge said he had no choice but to sentence him to death he was relieved. If the judge hadn't passed that sentence he would have begged for it or found a way to end it himself. He was just going the motions anyway.

As the bailiffs led him out of the courtroom after his sentencing Kowalski caught a glimpse of Claire. He thought he might actually feel something, remorse maybe? He didn't know for sure, he had felt nothing since he woke up in that holding cell and was told what he'd done. He supposed he should be sorry or something, but he just couldn't feel anything. He was dead inside - his soul had died with Fraser.  
________________________________________

Claire came to court every day during the short trial. She didn't know why she was there, she never heard much of what was said. The Vecchio family was there and they spoke to her, tried to comfort her, but she didn't hear much of what they said either. She felt as if she were watching the world go by through the wrong end of a telescope. As if her body was there, but her consciousness was a million miles away. She vaguely knew she was losing her grip on reality, but she didn't care. She had absolutely no desire to try to stop it.

The day Kowalski was sentenced she was aware he was looking at her. She was also vaguely aware that she should feel something, hate probably, but she couldn't feel anything. She was dead inside too - her soul had died with Ray.

Lieutenant Welsh also attended the trial. All the players were his friends and it tore him apart to see what was happening to those who were left. He felt so sorry for Claire, and God help him, for Kowalski too. At times he thought Fraser and Vecchio were the lucky ones, at least they had died instantly. Kowalski and Claire were both dying a little bit every day and no one could stop it.  
________________________________________

Ray and Fraser were gone and Claire was just going through the motions of living. Without conscious decision she had begun working 14 to16 hours a day and sleeping very little. When she slept she dreamed and her dreams threatened to destroy her. So she worked more and slept less.

But in the last few days weariness had begun to overtake her. This night she had fallen into an exhausted, dreamless sleep early in the evening. She slept until Ray came to her. When he touched her cheek and whispered her name she had momentarily forgotten all about the events of the last few months. Ray was here, she could feel his touch, feel his warmth. And after she remembered that Ray was really gone, all she wanted to do was go with him.

"You have to help him Claire, Kowalski didn't kill Fraser or me. He was so drunk he couldn't have hit the broad side of a barn."

All she could do was stare at him; she had missed him so much. And now he was here, so close, yet so far away. "Claire? Please listen to me, I don't have much time. Please help Kowalski. Benny and I need you to help him."

"He confessed. He . . . said . . . he did it. The gun it was in his hand . . . he killed you." The little self-control she had left threatened to leave her. "Kowalski hated you. He said . . . he would . . . "  


"Claire, go to Welsh and tell him to investigate Joey Porporino. Tell him to look into Linn Electronics. And, please tell Kowalski I'm sorry. I should've tried harder to help him."

Claire awoke with sunlight in her eyes. "Ray? Oh my god, Ray! Please come back, don't leave me again . . . Ray!" She sobbed hysterically. She cried for Ray and Benton, for herself and awhile later for Kowalski. She cried until she had no tears left to shed.  
________________________________________

By mid-morning she was able to calm herself enough to consider what had happened during the night. She never doubted for a moment that Ray had been there, and now she believed what he had told her. She knew however, that no one else would believe it. She knew everyone thought she was on the verge of a breakdown. Hell, she'd thought that herself. If she told anyone that Ray's ghost had visited her they would just be convinced that she had finally gone over the edge. Funny thing though, it was suddenly very important to her that people not think that. Ray had asked her to help Kowalski and she couldn't do so if people thought she was crazy.

She was feeling better than she had since Welsh had told her about Ray and Benton. She had thought that she would die when she woke up and Ray was gone. Die from having her heart ripped right out of her chest, again. But she had been given the opportunity to see him, to tell him she loved him and to hear him say those words to her. She was grateful to God for that opportunity. Ray didn't blame Kowalski for anything, had asked her to tell him he was sorry. 

Now all she had to do was convince Welsh to reopen the case.

Part 5: 'Though this be madness'

Claire made herself as presentable as possible, given the fact that she had no clothes that fit since she had lost so much weight and her eyes were so swollen that she could hardly see out of them, and went to the 27th Precinct.

Welsh saw her coming through his office window. He sighed as he thought about how she had changed since the first time he had seen her in this office. Her presence had worried him; just the words "IA" scared the crap out of him. But he had liked her. She had a way of making everyone feel at ease. She was totally professional, but not threatening, an odd combination for anyone representing IA.  


And when she had gotten together with Vecchio, well, both of them had changed. They were total opposites but seemed perfectly suited to each other. They seemed like two halves of the same whole. Welsh smiled slightly, he needed a vacation, now his thoughts were sounding like a greeting card commercial.

"Claire, it's good to see you. How you doing?" He cringed at the foolishness of his question. Any one could tell by just looking at her how she was.

"Obviously, I've been better Lieutenant. But I've also been worse. I'm starting to feel a little better, and that's why I'm here. If I asked you to do something for me, no questions asked, would you do it?"

"Well, I suppose that'd depend on what it is you wanted me to do," he frowned, concerned about where this was leading.

"I would like you to get me in to see Kowalski."

The enormity of her request floored him. "You what?" He could not believe what she was asking. "Why on earth would you want to see Kowalski? He's on death row, for god's sake."  


Claire sighed and hesitated for several long moments. "I know where he is Lieutenant and that's why I would like you to go with me. I need to talk to him. We need to talk to him."  


"If it were any one but you--" He scratched his head. "I'll see what I can arrange. You're not going to tell me why it's suddenly so important?"  


She sighed deeply. "Because I have reason to believe he's not guilty." She left the office without another word to the stunned Lieutenant.  
________________________________________  


A few days later Welsh called Claire. "First he sent word that he didn't want to see any one. But I just heard he changed his mind, that he'll see you, alone. I'll take you down there tomorrow. You're sure you want to do this?"

Claire had never been surer of anything in her life, with the possible exception of her love for Ray. And right now they seemed to be one and the same. "I hope after I see him he will want to see both of us . . . together."  
________________________________________

Lieutenant Welsh took Claire to Joliet prison the next morning. As the heavy metal doors slammed closed behind her she almost jumped out of her skin. She felt so trapped she almost broke and ran back the way they had come. She was barely able to control her panic as a guard escorted her to a waiting room. She sat in a cold steel chair trying to decide just what to ask and just how much to tell Kowalski.  


When he was led in she had to repeat Ray's words to her over and over again in her head. She had felt so little after Ray was killed. Now she felt hatred and rage. But Ray had said Kowalski was not guilty . . . he was not guilty . . . he was not guilty.

He stood looking down at her. His time here had done many things to him and for him. Time alone with no booze had forced him to think, to face his demons. He hadn't wanted to, had tried hard not to, but in the end his thoughts were all he had. After the alcoholic haze had dissipated the anguish had covered him like a heavy blanket. Try as he might to push it away, it was still covering him, smothering him. Eventually he'd come to accept it, knowing that soon his life would come to an end. He was relieved in the thought that soon his suffering would end.

He had also faced his responsibility for what he had done. He could no longer blame Vecchio for everything that was wrong in his life. A clear head, combined with some rational thought, helped him see that he was the source of his problems. But of course, that only served to increase the anguish. He often wondered how much emotional pain one person could bear, before it ate them alive and left nothing but the shell. Maybe that was all that was left of him now. The hard shell, just like M and Ms, the hard candy shell. He shook himself.

When he was told that Claire wanted to see him his immediate reaction was to say no. He later realized that he needed to tell someone what he was feeling and that she was the perfect person. He hoped that if he knew someone else hated him it would help him justify the way he felt about himself. So now that he could see the hatred in her eyes he felt oddly better. "Claire?"

She was still repeating Ray's words to herself. She was looking at Kowalski but not seeing him. She was seeing Ray sitting next to her saying 'Kowalski didn't do it, he's not guilty.'

He could tell she wasn't seeing him. "Claire? Why're ya here?"

"Ray told me you didn't do it." She blurted out the words before she could stop and think.

He was so surprised that he nearly fell into the other chair, but he could think of no response. Of all the things he had thought she might say to him, well this certainly was not among the things he had considered.

She covered her face with her hands trying hard to regroup, to start over, but now that she had said it she knew she would have to tell him the whole story. When she looked up Kowalski was looking at her, as she knew he would, like she was crazy.

"I saw him. I saw Ray. He came to me a few nights ago. He said that you didn't kill him or Benton, that you are innocent." She was frowning at him, actually seeing him for the first time.

"Look if yer tryin ta make me feel worse about all this, don't bother. It's not possible for me ta feel any worse than I already do. They'll stick the needle in me soon enough and then finito, you won't have ta worry no more." He started to get up, but Claire grabbed his hand.

"Please listen to me. Please," her plea made him hesitate, "please, sit down and listen to what I have to say."

He was hesitant, but finally decided he owed it to her to hear her out. "After Ray and Benton died I thought I would never feel anything again. I didn't want to feel or live for that matter. Then the other night I saw him." Kowalski drew back from her. He was scared for her, and of her. "I know you must think I'm crazy. I thought so too, until Ray started explaining some things to me. He said that in the alley . . . in the alley you were so drunk that you couldn't have hit the broad side of a barn. Is that true?"

"I . . . I . . . don't remember. I . . . don't . . . wait a minute, what the hell does it matter? I wanted ta kill Vecchio, went there ta kill Vecchio and ended up killin both of em. Fraser's dead . . . they're both dead . . . cause of me." He buried his head in his hands.

"Think. Could anyone else have been in that alley? You were drunk, could you have fired but missed?"

He felt just the smallest glimmer of hope. Hope that he might not have killed his best friend. Hope that some of the guilt and pain might go away. "I went there ta kill Vecchio. God help me I'm sorry."

Claire's eyes filled with tears and they spilled down her cheeks, but she did not turn away from him. "I know why you went there. That's not what I'm asking you. Stop blaming yourself for a minute and think. Could there have been someone else in that alley?"

He rubbed his hands over his head. For the first time Claire noticed that his head was completely bald. He noticed her frown and laughed. "It was falling out, from stress or worrin or somethin. Had em shave it all off."

She never really cared for his spikey hairstyle, but this one looked a whole lot worse. "Think! Could there have been someone else in that alley?"

"I dunno. I can't remember. Ya sure ya wanna be doin this? I hated Vecchio, why ya wanna help me?"

"Ray asked me to."

"Lady, you're nuts!"

"He also told me . . . told me . . . to tell you . . . " It was so very hard for her to say, "he was sorry. Sorry for not trying to . . . help you . . . when you needed it."

Kowalski didn't know what to say. Vecchio couldn't . . . he couldn't be . . . sorry. It's me! I hated him. I hated myself . . . had ta kill him, he thought. If Vecchio was sorry, but no, that wasn't possible!  


Claire took his hand again. "You have to help me help you. I have to do this for Ray and for Benton. We have to do this for them. He, they, don't want you to suffer any more for something that's not your fault. Please try to remember!"

"I waited in the alley. Vecchio came and then Fraser was behind him. I was pointin the gun at Vecchio and Fraser jumped in front a him. Ah god, I didn't mean ta shoot, I'm sorry Claire, I didn't mean ta shoot either of them." Now Kowalski was crying, for Fraser, for himself, and even for Vecchio.

Claire believed that in the last 20 minutes she had felt every emotion that she hadn't been able to feel since Ray had died. Everything from pity to rage to hate to sorrow and back to pity. Now she was back to feeling nothing. "I want Lieutenant Welsh to come in here and we'll tell him we want the case reopened, okay?" 

Kowalski just nodded.  
________________________________________

For several weeks Lieutenant Welsh had believed he had seen everything life had to offer. With all that had happened there was no way anything would ever surprise him again. He was wrong.

The scene he was witnessing from the guard's viewing room was so surreal, so completely absurd that even his cop brain could not process it all. Claire Daniels was holding the hand of the man who had murdered her lover, comforting him, and telling him that the ghost of said lover had told her he was innocent? And Kowalski, an almost completely bald Kowalski, was crying and telling her he was sorry for killing Vecchio, a man for whom he had a passionate hatred? Welsh felt like he had been dropped into the middle of some kind of Shakespearean tragedy.

He spoke to Claire outside the waiting room. "You mean to tell me that you dragged me all the way down here because the ghost of Ray Vecchio told you Kowalski was innocent?" Welsh was actually too shocked to be angry. He was also very worried about Claire's sanity.

"Not much privacy in a prison, is there?" she sighed. "I'm sorry Lieutenant, but would you have come if I told you the story beforehand? I know it sounds crazy, but I haven't lost my mind. Just please look into it?" She was pleading with him.

Welsh felt himself relent in small pieces. He had never even entertained the notion that anyone besides Kowalski could have killed Vecchio and Fraser. But maybe, just maybe he owed Kowalski something. He'd give the case a little looking at, off the record. Hell, there wasn't any way he'd put this on the record. Ghosts? Yeah right! "We'll tell Kowalski that we're gonna do a little research off the record. No more, okay?"

"Thank you, Lieutenant."

Kowalski was neither excited nor dismayed at their news. He still couldn't feel much of anything, except guilt, so this really made little difference to him. The small glimmer of hope that he had not killed Fraser remained just a small glimmer. Fraser was still dead, and he didn't know if he wanted to go on living without him.  
________________________________________

Welch made good on his promise the next day. He didn't want to admit it, but now that he had had time to think about it, he was a little intrigued by what Claire had said. He didn't believe it mind you, he was just . . . interested.

He had not been back to the alley since right after it happened. He had been at the Precinct when the call came in, and by the time he got there, Vecchio was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital and Fraser was being placed in the morgue van. Kowalski was handcuffed in the rear of a squad car. He vividly remembered where each man had fallen. As hard as he tried it was something he would never forget.

As he stood in the alley where it had all happened, he was a little surprised that his thoughts turned to Fraser. He must miss him more than he thought. He had always liked the man, was constantly confused by him, but liked him just the same. He had observed the integrity and nobility in him almost from the first time they met. And he had watched as that integrity and nobility rubbed off on most everyone Fraser came in contact with. Hell, it had even affected him! He knew his detectives had ridiculed Fraser, teased him about his penchant for tasting stuff, but he also knew that if any of his men where in trouble they would have wanted Fraser on the case. Most of the guys did not understand him, but to a man they all respected him.

What a waste! If only there had been a way that the three of them could have worked it out. If only - but he had long since reached a point in his life where he knew it was useless to regret the past. The only thing he could do was attempt to channel its affect on the future.

Welsh stood quietly in the alley for several minutes thinking about how the people involved in this mess had affected his life. As he stood there he became aware of movement behind him. When he turned he saw a small man emerge from under what appeared to be a pile of cardboard boxes. Upon seeing Welsh the man froze momentarily, but then turned to run. 

"Chicago PD! Freeze! What are you doing there?"

The man, dressed in dirty military fatigues, did not look at Welsh as he responded, "live here." He shuffled in place and fidgeted continually.

"Hold still, I'm not gonna hurt ya. What's you're name?"

"Johnny . . . John." The man was apparently unable to stop shaking.

"Got a last name, John?"

"Wozniak. Name's Johnny Wozniak."

"Well, Johnny Wozniak, let's see where ya live."

"Can't make me move, can't make me move. Home, my home. Can't move, can't move."

"Look Johnny, no one's gonna make ya move. I just wanna see where ya live, okay?"

Johnny did not believe the Chicago PD man, but decided that he didn't have much choice. He lifted a few flaps of cardboard to revealed his "home". Home consisted of a couple of blankets, some candles, and assorted trash.

"Nice place you got here, Johnny." He remembered saying that to someone else not all that long ago. He shook the thought away as something else suddenly occurred to him, "How long you been living here?"

"Long time, long time. Can't make me move, won't go, won't go."

Welsh felt sorry for the little old man, he was obviously scared to death at being discovered.

"Johnny, did you live here back when the two guys were shot?"

Johnny looked as if he were about to break and run. "Whoa, hold on Johnny," Welsh grabbed him by the collar, "you're not in any trouble, I just want to know if you saw anything. About 6 months ago, it would have been real cold outside then. Were you here?"

"Didn't see nuthin. Nuthin. Can't make me move."

"Johnny, I'm not going to make you move, but if you saw anything it's important that I know what you saw. I promise no one will hurt you." Welsh could see that Johnny was torn as to what to do or say next. "Johnny?"

Johnny was still jumping around and would not look Welsh in the eye. "Saw a drunk guy wavin a gun at some guy in a suit. Nother guy in a suit tried ta stop em." Johnny obviously didn't want to say any more.

"Johnny did you see the drunk guy shoot the two guys in suits?" Welsh figured that this was it, as much as he didn't want to face Claire with an eyewitness, at least it would end here.

"Didn't shoot em."

"What!" Welsh was astounded.

"Guy up there shot em." Johnny pointed to a fire escape.

"Are you sure? Maybe you were drunk too?" Welsh couldn't believe his ears, but maybe . . . just maybe . . . 

"Drunk guy wavin that .45 fired in the air." Johnny knew enough to shut up. He wasn't sayin no more.

Welsh was brought up short. "Wait a minute, Fraser and Vecchio were shot with a .38. How'd you know the drunk guy had a .45?"

When he got no response Welsh pleaded, "Come on Johnny, I need your help. Tell me what you know."

Johnny hesitated. "Used one in Nam. Not easy ta forget."

Holy shit. "Are you sure?"

Johnny just nodded.

Holy shit. "Could you describe the guy, the one on the fire escape?" Johnny shook his head. "Anything, anything at all. What did he do after he shot the guys in the suits?" Johnny was shaking his head vigorously now. He was scared, really scared.

"Come on Johnny, there might be a reward in it. We'll get you a nice place to sleep. Please help me on this." Welsh's excitement was growing. Maybe there might be a little light at the end of this dark tunnel they had all been living in.

"I hid. Drunk guy passed out. Fat guy changed guns with him and ran. When I couldn't see him no more I ran too. Didn't come back for a long time."

"The other guy was fat?" Johnny nodded again. Well, that narrowed it down to about a million men. Welsh knew that he couldn't leave Johnny here, so he gently directed him toward the unmarked police car and drove him to the nearest shelter. "Johnny, I'm going take you to the Open Door Mission. That okay? I'll have an officer get your stuff and bring it to you. If you want to come back here you can but give this a try. You did a real good thing telling me this stuff. Thank you."

After Welsh dropped Johnny off at the Shelter and instructed Sister Margaret to keep a close eye on him he walked slowly back to his car. He hesitated as he unlocked the car. "Holy shit!" This time he said it out loud. If some fat guy did the shooting then Claire was right. But that would mean . . . no way, he wasn't even going to go there.

He also wasn't going say anything to Claire or Kowalski, not yet. No sense in getting the cart before the horse. No judge in the world was going reopen the case based on the word of some wino homeless guy, especially 6 months after the fact!

Nope, he'd have to do some more investigating to get to the bottom of this. Claire had mentioned a guy name of Joey Porporino. Good place to start.

Part 6: 'A dream itself is but a shadow'

Joey Porporino had grown up in Ray Vecchio's old neighborhood, gone away to college, and come back to Chicago to work for Linn Electronics. He had rapidly worked his way up to Vice President of Human Resources. A rather ambiguous title, as Welsh later found out, for someone of Joey's obvious talents.

Welsh made an appointment to see Porporino using the excuse that he had some loose ends to tie up for Claire. It was not entirely untrue, as Claire had given Welsh some of Ray's files, but just because she wanted them out of her house. She couldn't stand to look at them.

"Lieutenant Welsh, it's nice to meet you." Joey extended his hand and Welsh shook it. Welsh then had to control the urge to wipe his hand on his trousers. Slime. Vecchio should have seen it right off. Porporino was also, what would be the word to describe it -fat.

"Mr. Porporino, I have some files pertaining to Linn that belonged to Ray Vecchio. His friend Claire Daniels asked if I would see that you got them." Welsh did not mention that he had made careful copies of all of those files.

Porporino's eyes widened slightly for a brief instant, but long enough for Welsh to catch. "Such a shame about Ray, he was a friend of mine from the old neighborhood, you know. His Ma and mine have been best friends for years." "It's very nice of you to return the files Lieutenant, but entirely unnecessary, I could have easily picked them up."

Welsh could not interpret the look on Porporino's face as he set the files on his desk, but he knew he didn't like this guy, didn't like him at all. All his instincts kicked into high gear as he sat and watched and listened to the man. Yep, there was definitely something going on here. Why hadn't Vecchio seen it? Maybe it was that old friend thing. Well, he guessed he'd have to be the one to figure it all out.  
________________________________________

Welsh had a hunch. Just a glimmer of an idea really. But that's where most of his trails started, then he followed the trail through tough police procedure.

If Vecchio hadn't seen Joey as Welsh saw him, maybe he had overlooked something else. It couldn't have been anything too obvious, Ray wasn't stupid. Maybe it was something hidden, something in the files. That's why Welsh made copies of everything Claire had given him.

He had to keep those copies at his house. Taking them to the office presented too much opportunity of being discovered. He was sure the guys at the precinct wouldn't be too happy with him if they thought he was trying to help Kowalski. A cop killer was a cop killer, after all. Even if all three of them were former cops.

He had files spread out all over the dining room table, leaving no room to eat. Normally that wasn't a problem as he always ate sitting in front of the TV. Right now though, he munched on cold anchovy pizza sitting at the table. Something in one of the files was demanding his complete attention. "Hmm," he muttered to the empty room. "I wonder if . . . " He shuffled through several other folders and muttered another, "hmm." After another couple of minutes he sat back in his chair and smiled. "Well, I'll be damned!"

His smile was replaced by a frown as he considered what he had found. Maybe Vecchio didn't miss anything after all, maybe he just hadn't found it yet, or maybe it wasn't Vecchio that Porporino was afraid would discover . . .  
________________________________________

Claire had barely gotten home from work when the doorbell rang. She hadn't been in the mood for visitors since well, for a long time, and was certainly not in the mood now. She continued to ignore the doorbell as it rang several more times. She could not however, ignore the insistent knocking or Lieutenant Welsh calling for her to let him in.

"I'm sorry Lieutenant, it's just that I am--" He surprised her as he brushed past her and made his way into the room.

"Sorry to intrude Claire, but this is important. I need to be sure about the files that you gave me to return to Linn. Did Ray keep them here or at his office?"

Claire frowned at him. "Ah," she was having trouble remembering what files he was referring to, "here. I couldn't stand to look at them. That's why I gave them to you. What--"

"In your business do ya review personnel files?"

"Sometimes."

"How about payroll records?"

"Of course. Lieutenant what--"  


"I think you're right. Kowalski didn't kill Vecchio or Fraser, Joey Porporino did, or at least had someone do it."

Claire felt her legs begin to fall out from under her. She sat down on the closet thing she could find, the coffee table. "How--?"

He tossed the files on the table next to her. "I've been giving it a little looking at. Seems we have an eyewitness, though he's not very credible. I went to Linn and met Joey Porporino, a real slime ball. He was awfully excited to get those files back, all though he didn't want me to know it. So I did a little digging in the copies I made and came up with this." He pointed at one of the folders lying next to Claire.  


She picked up one of the manila folders but her eyes never left Welsh's. "Take a look at the file labeled Hunt. That's it, Pamela Hunt. Now take a look at the file labeled Hanson, Eddie. Look at the social security numbers."

Her look was incredulous. "They're the same, but that could be just a clerical--"

"Look at Manning/Cooley or Hurley/Williams. Just in the files you gave me I count ten duplicates. Kinda a high type-o rate, don't you think?"

"But--"

"Honey, think about this a minute. If you saw something like this in files you were investigating what would ya think?"

Claire hesitated for a very long time before speaking. "My instincts would tell me that someone was billing the company for employees that didn't exist. But how would Ray--?"

"I don't think Ray ever found out. He would have told someone. Porporino must have found out that Ray brought the files home. He must have thought you would find out about it."

"Ray was killed because of something Porporino thought I would find out about?" Claire was whispering as the realization sunk in. "I don't believe it," but she did. "And what about Benton?"

"My guess is that Porporino followed Ray and got lucky when he realized what Kowalski was up to. Fraser just got in the way." Claire's look of shock concerned Welsh. "You okay, Claire?

"Ray was right. He was right," she muttered.

Welsh cringed. He still didn't want to go there. "Search warrant's being drawn up as we speak. FBI's getting involved too, Linn's a government contractor."  
______________________

Whether it was because Welsh was threatening to crack his head like an egg, or because of all the guys wearing FBI jackets carrying files out of his office, Joey Porporino confessed to overcharging Linn Electronics for non existent employees. Linn then passed the charges directly to the Federal Government, to the tune of about a million dollars per annum.

Joey hadn't known that his old pal Ray Vecchio had a lover who was a contractor for CPD Internal Affairs. When he heard that she was working with great success for several others governmental agencies he freaked. And so, he reluctantly confessed to hiring an out of town talent named Frankie Gushock to hit Ray Vecchio. As Welsh suspected, Porporino had only wanted Vecchio dead, Fraser just got in the way.  
________________________________________

Claire heard the news of Porporino's confession with mixed emotions. She was glad that Ray had been right and she was glad for Kowalski. But Ray and Benton were still dead and nothing would ever change that.

The morning after Porporino's confession Welsh was again knocking at her door. When she opened it he was waving a folded piece of paper and smiling the biggest smile she had ever seen. "Got the release order right here. Judge just signed it. Gonna go get Kowalski right now. Want to come with me?"

Claire shook her head. "I can't Lieutenant. The wounds are still too fresh. I'm happy for him, but I just can't."

"I understand." And he did. It saddened him, but he did understand. "He may want to see you. What should I tell him?"

"When he's ready, I guess. Just tell him . . . tell him . . . I don't know." She wanted to cry. She wanted his release to end it all, but even with the right person in jail the pain didn't go away.

Welsh looked around the room. "Why don't you move from here Claire? There are an awful lot of memories here that you need to put behind you." The shocked look on her face gave Welsh the answer. "Your waiting for him to come back, aren't you!" It wasn't a question, he could see it written all over her face.

She turned away from him as if to hide. "Claire, you're going to send yourself right over the edge with this one. Let him go honey. Let him go."

She started to cry and could not face him. "I can't. I just can't."  
________________________________________

Claire slept fitfully that night. Ray came to her again, but this time he came to her in her dreams.

"Ray?"

"You did good Claire. Thank you." He stood beside her - their bed and held her hand. "I have to go now. I wish I could stay. I'm gonna miss you, but I'll be watching out for you, I promise."

"Please, don't go Ray." She didn't plead this time because in her heart she knew it would do no good.

"It's for the best, you know? You need to get on with your life. I love you, I always will."

She woke up to the sound of her clock radio and knew he was gone for good. She didn't even know what to feel. She was just empty.  
________________________________________

Stanley Raymond Kowalski was a free man, physically at least. His body was free but his soul was still imprisoned. He knew that he had to see her. Had to talk to her away from the walls of the prison. But he couldn't bring himself to go there, to that apartment where everything had started.

After being released Welsh helped him move all his stuff out of storage and in to a new apartment and a new life. But with the new life came the old memories. He didn't know if he could ever escape them, but he did know a way to find out. He had to see her. He was certain that knowing how she felt about him would help. At least he hoped it would.

So after several days he went there. He knew she was home because he saw her car, correction, Ray's car. It was hard to miss. Of course everything about Vecchio had been hard to miss. Thinking about Vecchio naturally brought him to thoughts of Fraser and the grief threatened to overwhelm him again.

He sat in his car in front of the building for a full two hours, trying to work up the nerve to go in. Time in prison had taught him the fine art of retreating from his thoughts, while doing nothing. He finally realized that sitting here was getting him nowhere. Now was the time for doing.

As he approached the apartment door he hesitated again. He wondered if she would even let him in. He took a deep breath and knocked. When Claire opened the door she was surprised. Not that it was Kowalski, she knew he'd come eventually, but at how he looked. They'd have to have a contest, see who had lost the most weight.

"Kowalski." 

When she didn't smile he lost his nerve again." I . . . I . . . if ya don't wanna let me in I'll understand. I . . . wasn't . . . I didn't . . . know if ya would even see me." When she didn't respond he started to turn to go.

"Wait. Come in. Please."

He walked into the apartment but did not turn to face her as she closed the door. "I'm . . . I . . . " He was afraid he was going to cry. "Thank you for what ya did . . . " He still could not face her.

"It was what Ray wanted and it was the right thing to do." 

He turned around. Now he could face her. "Ya don't hate me then?"

"No. I did hate you, I think, when I thought you had . . . I don't hate you anymore. I don't feel anything anymore." Now she had turned away from him to look out the window. Neither of them spoke for several long moments.

"Are you okay? Got a place to live, a job, and everything?" She didn't sound very interested. More like she asked just to have something to say.

"Yeah. Moved to a new place. Welsh got . . . he . . . gonna do security at the bank for awhile. Just till I get things sorted out."

"Good." Neither of them spoke again for several moments. It seemed they had very little to say to each other. “Why did you come here?" She turned to face him, but he could not make his eyes meet hers.

"I don't--" he ran his hand through the almost nonexistent hair. "Gotta grow this out. Don't like the almost no hair look."

"It looked good on Ray." As soon as the words were out of her mouth she started to sob. She turned away from Kowalski hoping to hide her tears, but once started she could not stop crying.

Without taking any time to talk himself out of it he went to her, took her in his arms and held her. Her grief seemed to engulf him and within a moment he was crying too. They stood crying and leaning on each other for a very long time. Claire had forgotten who was holding her, if she was even aware that someone was.

When she couldn't cry any more she gently pushed him away and went to find them some tissues. When she came back into the room Kowalski was standing with his back to her trying to wipe his eyes with his sleeve.

"Here, this will probably do a better job," she handed him some tissues and tried to smile. When he took them from her their eyes met briefly and he tried to return that smile.

"I'm sorry about Vec . . . Ray. I never got . . . gave myself the chance ta know him." There was regret in his eyes and sadness in his voice. "I'm sorry, Claire."

"I know . . . I miss him so much sometimes, I just can't bear it." She was staring out the window again.

"Have ya seen him again? Ray, I mean?" He wondered where in the hell that came from.

Claire sighed deeply as tears slid down her cheeks again, "No. Yes. I don't know. I think so. He's gone. He told me he had to go and he wouldn't be back." She had to keep telling herself it was for the best, it really was. She turned to face him as she realized what he had asked her. "You believe me now? That he really was here? You don't think I'm 'nuts'?"

Kowalski hesitated for a long time. He wasn't sure what he believed. "All I know is that I'm alive cause a what ya believed and if Ray's the one that told ya, then that's just fine by me."

Claire went to the nearest chair and slumped down into it, putting her head in her hands. "How do we survive this, you and me? How do we live without them? How is it possible to exist when you're in so much pain? I've been told me I need to move on. I can't, and even if I could, I don't want to. I don't want to do anything, without Ray."

"I know, I know what ya mean. Life without Fraser seems like . . . like . . . "

"No life? Like you're dead too? Like you're not really there, only still going through the motions?"

"Yeah. At least in prison, knowing that it would . . . end . . . that I would be . . . it helped me make it through the day. Now . . . I dunno . . . "

Claire sighed again, "And I thought we'd never have anything in common." She laid her head back against the chair and closed her eyes. She had to get through this. Ray had helped her so much she had to move on, because it was what he wanted her to do. She just didn't know if she had the strength. "You know I was given a wonderful gift. At least I was able to say goodbye to Ray. You need to go . . . you need to say goodbye to Benton. It helps."

"Ray was a really lucky guy, ta have someone like you ta love him."

"You and I were the lucky ones, to have been loved by them. I wish I'd had more time with Ray, but I guess we both need to be grateful for the time we had."  
______________________________________________________

His clock radio woke him with a start. The oldies station was playing The Mamas and Papas:  


'Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you  
Sweet dreams that leave your worries behind you  
So in your dreams whatever they be  
Dream a little dream of me'

"Holy shit! Where the hell did that come from?" he whispered as he rubbed his sleep-laden eyes.

As he showered he thought about their meeting later today. He felt pretty good about the results of the IA investigation and how the 27th had faired. He hoped that his instincts were correct. Claire Daniels had not given him any indication one way or the other, but he was pretty damn good at reading body language. At least no one from Internal Affairs was knocking on his door or carting financial records out of the office as evidence, or something.

He was sure today was going to be a good day. The good news circulating around the squad room yesterday had to be an omen. Kowalski and Fraser were finally coming back from their adventures in the Territories. He must have really missed those guys, if last night was any indication.

Harding Welsh also made a mental note. Never again would he read Hamlet and eat cold anchovy pizza right before going to bed. It caused him to have the strangest dreams.

The End


End file.
